For a very long time people’s opinion of me was my driving force. Everything I said or did revolved around how people would react. If I said what I really felt would they think I was stupid? If I admitted that I’ve never seen nor have interest to see any of The Godfather movies would they think less of me? If I shared that I often get swept away to another place and time when I listen to classical music would they think I was weird? Would they laugh if I told them that I’ve created an alter ego for myself and written dozen of stories of her amazing adventures? How would the treat me if they found out how geeky I actually am?

I had no idea how people would respond so I kept my true self hidden and became who I thought people would like. I started watching what everyone else liked. I started listening to what everyone else listened to. Their opinions became my opinions. Different groups of people knew different versions of me.

My goal became to fit in, but I didn’t. The more I tried to become the person I thought would fit in, the less I fit in. So I just stopped trying. There’s no point in pretending to be someone I’m not. I have to spend 24/7 with me, I might as well be myself. I got reacquainted with myself and you know what? I like me. I like who I am. I like being a dorky, smart ass, geek girl who takes little crap. I like being different. I like listening to music that others don’t like or have little idea who or what it is. I like learning new words on a daily basis. I like being the Christian who’s not like the others. I’ve accepted who I am and no longer gives a rip what anyone else thinks. Do I want people to like me? Of course! Who wouldn’t? Will I go out of my way trying to be someone who I think they will like? Hell to the no! Not anymore!

I know it has been an incredibly long time and I really have no excuses. I failed. I started this blog in hopes that I could get people to rally around me  and support me on my journey to get healthy and you did. The amount of support I received when I started this blog was really overwhelming and I’m and truly grateful for it. But I did what I always do when things get hard. I retreated into myself. I put my walls back up. I sat in the prison I’ve created for myself alone, ashamed, and still very much frightened. I let myself down, but I’m used to that, more importantly, I let you down and for that I am sorry. I’m back now giving it another go. I won’t promise that I’ll keep it going, but I do promise that I’ll try harder than I’ve ever tried before. I may fail, but I won’t be defeated.

As some of you know, fried chicken has been a dear friend to me most of my life. Even more so than chocolate! Fried chicken was my comforter for so long and in my mind, it helped. It helped to mass the pain that was making me want to hide away in a closet forever. It helped me get over the rejection that became a part of my daily life. It helped me get over the feeling of not being worthy of anyone’s time, attention, or love. It was someone to “talk” to when I was feeling lonely. 

About a year ago something changed. Fried chicken stopped being those things for me. It was just another food. Delicious food, but just food. I had finally moved past my dependency on fried chicken. And then today happened. Today I am incredibly sad. For no other reason than I’m a premenstrual woman. But today I want to reignite my friendship with fried chicken. I want it to rescue me from the feelings and emotions that I do not want to deal with. I want it to block the path so I could stay on the surface and not dive deep within myself to confront those things that are keeping me from being the best me. I want it to be an excuse as to why my life isn’t what I want or hoped it to be. I want it to build a wall around me to keep anyone from getting close. But can I afford to let it?

xoxo,

Kimmie

Today was unusually high in the drama department. It started basically as soon as I woke up and carried on most of the day. But I’m glad to report that that drama is over. I’m completely done with the situation and have moved on. 

One thing that I noticed was that through the drama I only thought one thing. I have to be chewing something. I have to have something in my mouth. I have to eat to get over this. So I went to the store and bought a pint of ice cream to go with the chocolate and caramel sauce we already had, chips, salsa, soft drinks.

When I got home I realized what was happening. I was about to stress eat! So I stopped my self. I had less than half of a half of the pint of ice cream. I had very little chocolate sauce and caramel. Right now I’m only having one serving of chips and salsa. I’m so thankful to God for showing me prior to me pigging out what I was about to do so I can stop it. I just might win this battle after all.

xoxo, hugs n kisses, and all that jazz

Kimmie.

I’m kind of upset tonight and not really in the mood to post, but I don’t want to skip another day. Things are still going ok with my eating habits. I did get to twist my hair. I’m not a big fan of it, but it’ll do for now. I think the next time, I’ll do them smaller. Anyways here’s a pic.

xoxo, hugs n kisses, and all that jazz

Kimmie

For a very long time I’ve been compromising with myself. “If I can do this, then I’ll do that.” “When I do this, then this will happen.” “I’ll wait for this and then do that.” And you know what, none of the ifs, whens, waits, ever happened and I’ve always ended up doing the same things. Nothing has changed. If I keep waiting for something to happen to change, then things will never change. 

I’m tired of the if, whens, and waits.  I’m fed up with the, “Let this happen before I do this.” I’ve had enough of the, “This can’t happen without this happening.” It can happen! I’m the only one who can make it happen. From now on it’s going to be now. I’m going to change my eating habits now. I’m going to work on my self view now. I’m beautiful now. I’m worthy of love now. I’m going to start living like I’m the daughter of the King now! No more bargaining. No more waiting. NO COMPROMISING!

xoxo, hugs n kisses, and all that jazz

Kimmie

So, I’ve been researching some self-confidence/esteem boosting exercises and have found a few I like. I’ve decided to share them and my working through them with you. On one site there was a list of 5 questions to answer about yourself. I’ll post the questions and my answers in bold.

• The thing I do best is… Help others
•  

  Something I have accomplished is…

  I finished school

•  One of my best character traits is…

  My wit…..or dimwit =)

• am proud of myself for…

  Taking a risk

• I am working to improve…

  My overall health

 Another one that I saw that I liked here, said: Give yourself a small amount of time for meditation and reflection. In this quiet time, picture yourself succeeding at the type of activity that causes you self-doubt. Picture yourself as a successful public speaker, for example, or handling yourself at ease in a social setting.

I think I’ll give myself 10 minutes and do that one now. 

xoxo, hugs n kisses, and all that jazz,

Kimmie

How dare I not post yesterday! Yesterday was such a great day! My eating habits went out of the window yesterday because I was surprised with a trip to the South Bend Chocolate Cafe. Loved every second of it!

I’ve been in high spirits for the most part. It does seem that I’ve hit a little snag in the road today, but I’m not going to let it stop. I saw a picture of myself from yesterday and wanted to do nothing but cry. Add that in with other things going on in my head and the result is not good. I want to turn things around but honestly I have no idea where to start. God help me.

Kimmie

I wanted to make sure I post today, because knowing me if I skip a day, I’d easily skip a week or two or forever. 

So I googled self esteem boosting activities and I came across this site, http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/SMA-3715/activities.asp It seems to have some really good pointers and activities. I haven’t read through it completely, but I will tomorrow. 

xoxo, hugs n kisses, and all that jazz

Kimmie

My hair has been chemically treated since I was 6 or 7. Whether it was a relaxer or that time of temporary insanity where I rocked the Jheri Curl. 9 months ago I decided to let go of the mask that I had created with my hair. Even after I made that decision I had a hard time accepting my natural hair, so I wore quick weaves and wigs.

I am now at the point where I’m ready to embrace myself and my natural beauty, including my natural hair. The one thing that I’m terrified of is “The Big Chop”. The Big Chop is when you cut off the relaxed part of your hair so your hair is all natural. I’ve been trying to wait a year before the big chop, but I honestly have no idea what to do with my hair right now. I don’t think I’ll know what to do after the Big Chop either. A part of me wants to just grab a Dark and Lovely and call it a wrap.

So sistas, in styling advice for transitioning hair? Any styling advice for all natural hair? Any words of encouragement for when I grow a pair and go ahead with the big chop? I’d appreciate any advice.